


texts from last night

by fourhorsemen



Category: DCU, Young Justice (Cartoon)
Genre: Crack, Humor, Sexual Humor, Texts From Last Night
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:27:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24982333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fourhorsemen/pseuds/fourhorsemen
Summary: YJ prompts but they’re all textsfromlastnight that made me chortle.Check tags for the pairings
Relationships: Dick Grayson/Wally West, Roy Harper/Jade Nguyen
Comments: 2
Kudos: 47





	1. Dick/Wally

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: (+44): Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with ‘and I love your dick.’? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me, entirely coincidental.

Dick rubbed his chin broodily while they ate, eyes unfocused as he stared at a point above her shoulder. Or, more accurately, Dick spaced out while Zatanna ate because all Dick was doing was stirring his fork listlessly through his salad.

“Dick,” Zatanna said, raising her eyebrows and got no response.

“Dick!” Zatanna hissed, loudly and finally the raven-haired man snapped out of his daze.

“Oh sorry, I spaced,” he responded, eyes finally meeting hers, guilt evident in his gaze.

“Yeah, I could see that. What’s on your mind?” Zatanna said sternly, no longer trying to be nonchalant. In fact, she was feeling ‘chalant. She was feeling very, very ‘chalant.

“Oh, nothing, just a mission Bruce briefed me about earlier,” he mumbled and glanced away. Her eyes narrowed. He really had the audacity to lie to his best friend, as if she didn’t see right through him? Well, she had an easy fix for that. 

_“Llet em eht hturt,_ she chanted and Dick immediately snapped to attention. He tried to keep his mouth shut, eyes glaring daggers at her until the incantation took hold and he could no longer hold the words in.

“Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with ‘and I love your dick.’?” he blurted and Zatanna boggled at him. _That_ was not what she was expecting.

“Zee, I cannot believe you would do that!” Dick growled. Zatanna continued to stare in shock.

“You want to explain that?” she replied, side-stepping his outrage entirely.

“You promised not to use-“

“I did no such thing-“

“You definitely did! Don’t you lie to-“

Zatanna cleared her throat and raised her eyebrows. Dick faltered and rubbed his knuckles across his brow.

“Walls said “I love you” last night and I panicked and told him I loved his dick,” Dick sighed, looking mortified as his ears began to take on a bit of a pink hue.

“ _Dick,”_ Zatanna admonished, frankly stunned at the levels of ineptitude the former Boy Wonder was capable of. 

“Well, it’s not like it was a lie! He has a great dick, it’s long, thick and hits just the right-“ Dick argued, sputtering and Zatanna raised a hand, cutting him off before he could ramble his way into territory she was not equipped to handle.

“How did he react?” she asked, patiently. Dick cringed and put a hand over his face.

“Let’s just say we’ve _never_ stopped mid-fuck before. It was _so not_ ‘aster!” Dick groaned and gave up on not-eating, deciding to just hide his entire face in his hands. 

“What did you expect, Dick? You acted like a… well, a dick,” Zatanna said.

 _“I know! I know!_ What do I do now? _”_ he sighed and moaned pitifully into his palms. 

“Do you love him?” she asked curiously and his head snapped up. His mouth opened and closed like a goldfish. Zatanna rolled her eyes, put her fork down and slapped him over the head. Dick flinched away and put up his hands in surrender. 

“Yes! Yes, I do. I love Wally,” he exclaimed and looked shocked at his own outburst.

“Well, what are you waiting for then?” she said impatiently, with furrowed brows. When Dick just stared at her with wide eyes, she had no other choice.

“ _Og llet yllaW tesW uoy era ni evol htiw mih,"_ she intoned and Dick struggled to not stand up immediately. Seconds later, he jumped to his feet like a marionette being controlled by strings and Zatanna smirked at his livid expression.

“ _Yas ouy evol mih dna sti ton tsuj esuaceb fo sih gib, taf kcoc,"_ she added with a mischievous smirk.

“ _ZATANNA!”_ Dick screamed, as his legs began walking him out the nearly empty café, no doubt to the nearest Zeta tube and directly to Wally West.

* * *

“ _Recognized. Access granted. Nightwing. B-0-1.”_ the automated voice at the Justice League Headquarters declared. Wally immediately looked up, stomach sinking. His mouth turned into a frown without him realizing.

Artemis, M’gann, and Conner all gave him weird looks at his uncharacteristic reaction before they all turned to face the new arrival. The Flash, Batman, Canary did not look up from their task, gathered around the large screens where Batman had brought up blueprints of a facility they were monitoring.

Dick immediately strode over to Wally purposefully, eyes on him with almost a laser focus. Wally crossed his arms over his chest and raised an eyebrow in annoyance when the raven stopped in front of him.

Dick looked up at him, surprisingly still in his civilian clothing and Wally met wide blue eyes that peeked over his shades.

“ _I’m in love with you Wally West!”_ he shouted, loud enough that even the older members looked up in shock. Wally’s arms dropped to his sides as he stared at Dick, stunned. Then, he felt the side of his mouth quirk up in a smile he couldn’t suppress.

“Wow Dick, I didn’t ask for a _declaration of love_ in front of the whole Justice League, you know. Quietly, in a private moment, would have been enough for me.” Wally said, feeling himself grinning uncontrollably. This was… very unlike Dick. Wally silently wondered who put him up to this. Or was the former Boy Wonder just that guilty about last night? 

He could hear Artemis practically chortling behind him, while M’gann dissolved into giggles and nudged a likely incredulous Conner. Dick stared at him, still standing there, mouth shut so tightly, Wally was afraid his face would splinter like glass.

He saw Dick glance sideways nervously at where Batman stood with his arms crossed, radiating fury at the level of unprofessionalism while Canary looked on with a shit-eating grin on her face. Uncle Barry was probably vibrating with joy and wishing he had a recording device to show Aunt Iris. Wally didn’t even need to turn around to know that.

It was when Dick’s face began turning red without oxygen that Wally started to worry.

“Uhhhh, Dick… You alright?” Wally muttered, eyebrows furrowing.

“You’re getting a little red…” M’gann said worriedly, striding forward to probably check his temperature. Before she could reach him, Dick gasped for breath and blurted,

“I LOVE YOU AND IT’S NOT JUST BECAUSE OF YOUR BIG, FAT COCK!” he yelped and then slapped his hands over his mouth. There was a moment of utter silence… and then Artemis burst into shrieking laughter, bent double and clutching her stomach. M’gann and Conner looked like they were having secondhand embarrassment while Wally just stared at his boyfriend with eyes the size of dinner plates.

There was a thunderous, “ _NIGHTWING,”_ from Batman and Wally turned in fright to see a grinning Canary just barely holding him back from physically grabbing his protégé and reprimanding him. Wally met eyes with his uncle Barry, who looked amused and… a little impressed. Wally nearly burst into flames at the number of eyes suddenly on the crotch of his skin-tight supersuit.

Dick finally took his hands off his flaming red face, and without making eye contact with anyone but Wally, with a desperate apology in his eyes, sprinted to the Zeta Tube, immediately dematerializing.

Wally cleared his throat awkwardly. Artemis had tears of mirth rolling down her face and M’gann was looking anywhere but at him.. or his crotch.

“I’m just going to… leave now,” he said, backing away slowly towards the Zeta Tube. He really needed to find out what that was about. Frankly, if Nightwing got to make a quick getaway, so should he. He was equally embarrassed. He carefully avoided eye contact with the older members of the League.

“Kid Flash, a word please.” Batman growled and Wally took a leaf out of Dick’s book and _sprinted_ to the exit. The last thing he ward was Batman’s thunderous “ _WALLACE WEST_ , _YOU GET BACK HERE!_ ” and Artemis dissolving into a new round of uncontrollable laughter.


	2. Roy/Jade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: (657): There’s even glitter on my cock…

Roy groaned and rolled over onto his back, crusty eyes blinking open to stare at a thankfully familiar ceiling. Sunlight was shining through the living room windows onto his face and his mouth felt dry as the Bialyan desert.

“What _happened_ last night,” he groaned, voice dry and cracked from overuse. He rolled over sideways to see Dick and Wally draped over his couch in the most awkward positions.

Wally was laying on the right armrest, but only up till mid-back, while the rest of his upper body dangled dangerously over the edge. Roy had no idea how the man had managed to sleep in that position without falling right off the couch.

Dick was backwards with his legs draped over the back of the couch, with his head hanging upside-down off the seat and one elbow digging into Wally’s crotch. Roy winced. Whenever Dick woke up… Wally was going to have a _very_ rude awakening.

Speaking of, Dick’s eyes began fluttering as he shifted to wakefulness. As expected, he tried to stretch his arms and elbowed a sleeping Wally in the dick, who woke with a yelp.

“ _Dude!”_ Wally moaned, slapping a hand over his abused crotch. Dick turned sideways in confusion, faced directly with said crotch and his eyes widened. He rolled off the couch with none of his usual acrobatic grace, landing with an ‘oof’ on Roy’s arm. 

Roy whined pathetically, already aching _everywhere_ before Dick’s entire weight fell onto his bicep ass-first. “ _Shit,”_ Dick hissed and clambered to his feet. He then stared at Roy disbelievingly.

“ _Dude._ You are _covered_ in glitter,” he said and Roy sat up with a lurch. He keened pitifully when his head swam at the sudden movement, falling back to rest on his elbows automatically. He stared hazily down at his bare chest… which was indeed covered in gold and red glitter. Roy grimaced.

“What the _fuck_ happened last night,” Roy grouched, carefully maneuvering himself sideways to sit with his back resting on the couch, legs stretched out over the olive green rug Ollie had got him as a housewarming present. The coffee table that usually sat on top of the rug was… nowhere to be seen.

Dick groaned and made a retching sound. Roy looked up in alarm, not relishing being puked on by Nightwing, and sighed in relief when he realized it was a dry heave. Dick looked miserable, his hair was in disarray, sunglasses missing and had tired bruises underneath his eyes. The odds of him remembering what happened weren’t exactly high, Roy thought wryly.

“Last thing I remember is picking you up for your Bachelor party with Bruce’s limo…” Dick said apologetically, rubbing his temples with his fingers. Wally, who had somehow nearly fallen back asleep, jerked fully awake when Dick shoved him, almost toppling off the couch.

“ _Woah. Fuck._ What is it? Who’s dying?” he babbled and rubbed sleep out of his eyes. Out of all of them, he looked the most lucid. Wally was usually most likely to retain memories because his metabolism burned the alcohol out of his system much faster. Lucky bastard.

“I don’t know, you tell us. What _happened_ last night and why is Roy covered head to toe in glitter,” Dick said accusingly, and Wally looked at him in affront for even suggesting he was responsible for their predicament.

“Dude it was Roy’s Bachelor party, what do you expect? Just be glad today isn’t his wedding day,” Wally pointed out and Roy counted his lucky stars that he had asked _Nightwing_ to plan his Bachelor party and not Kid Reckless.

Wally sprung to his feet and stretched, letting out a sigh and looking around chirpily. Dick and Roy both glared at him for his chipper attitude when they both were nursing hangovers from Hell.

“You didn’t answer the question,” Roy mumbled and closed his eyes with a sigh. He wrinkled his nose when his crotch started to itch. He shifted uncomfortably but he wasn’t shameless enough to stick his hands down his pants in front of his friends just yet.

“Oh,” Wally said and then chortled with glee. Roy blanched.

“ _Oh my God! Dude,_ so we obviously got shitfaced in the limo. But then, Arty texted and mentioned how much more fun they were having at Jade’s party with the male stripper and you got _so_ jealous! Next thing we know, Dick here is telling the limo driver to redirect and go to this Adult Shop where we bought shit tons of body glitter. Then, we dragged you to the bathroom and fuckin’ doused you in the stuff. Hell, we even bought you a _thong_.” Wally rambled uncontrollably and they both stared at him with horrified looks on their faces.

Roy glared at Dick and Dick just raised his hands in surrender, “ _Hey!_ I was wasted! You can’t blame me!” he wailed. Wally guffawed and started practically vibrating, “Wait! There’s more!” and Roy had never heard worse words. He slammed his head back on the couch and listened in misery. His crotch was _still_ itching uncontrollably.

“So Dick got M’gann to cough up the address to the party, and Roy you _kicked_ the door in and _flung_ the stripper out the door. We honestly thought you’d beat him up but then you started rambling about how much you loved Jade, and how you were going to wife her and she didn’t need a stripper when she had you. And then you stripped down to your thong and gave her a lapdance!” Wally exclaimed and Dick started cackling.

“ _Please_ tell me that was it,” Roy whimpered pitifully, and Wally gave him a shit-eating grin.

“You gave Jade a lapdance… and you gave all the other girls a lapdance too. Even Artemis. Dude, they put dollar bills in your strap.” Wally said laughingly.

“ _Huh…_ so that’s why I woke up with a roll of bills in my pocket. Shit, was I your pimp?” Dick mumbled, still rubbing his temples. Roy stared at Wally in horror and the itching got so irritating he couldn’t control it anymore.

“Fuck it! Look away or get an eyeful boys, my dick fucking itches,” Roy groaned and shoved his hand down his pants. Dick and Wally gave him gross looks and looked away. Itch finally abated, Roy sighed in relief, then boggled when his hand came out …. covered in glitter. He stretched the band of his sweatpants and stared at his dick, flabbergasted.

“There’s even glitter on my _cock_ ,” Roy wailed and Dick and Wally burst into laughter, Dick practically leaning his entire weight on the speedster for balance as he doubled over. Just then, a cell phone began ringing, a familiar ringtone that made Roy pale. He got up and searched frantically, finally finding his phone flung under the couch.

“Kitty Cat,” flashed on the screen and he quickly took the call and put it to his ear.

“Hi baby, how’s the hangover?” Jade crooned in his ear and he flushed, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose as the nausea returned at the simple mention of his hangover.

“Fuckin’ awful,” he mumbled and Jade laughed. There was a moment of silence and he could _hear_ Jade’s grin over the phone.

“Look, about last night-” he began and Jade cut him off with a cackle.

“Oh honey, don’t you apologise about last night. You put that stripper to _shame_ ,” she teased and Roy rubbed a hand over his face.

“I was drunk, I shouldn’t have kicked him out… or given everyone a lap-dance,” Roy muttered, afraid the good humor was just a cover for the inevitable ire of his fiancé, but Jade just giggled lightly.

“Oh no, how could I begrudge my girls a show? I didn’t know you could _gyrate,_ ” Jade practically purred and Roy felt his face flame red. In the background, Dick and Wally were still chuckling, surreptitiously snapping pictures of his glitter-covered torso.

“ _Fuuuck_ , how bad was it?” Roy groaned and Jade snorted over the phone.

“Let’s just say, my girls saw… everything you had to offer,” she said with a leer evident in her tone, and Roy’s eyes widened as he stared at his glitter dick.

“And you _let_ them?” he practically shrieked and Jade burst into uncontrollable laughter. When she finally calmed down, she said.

“Mhm, can’t deny the masses. You know I love showing you off, baby. Only, I’d like to request a _private show_ in the future,” she said huskily and he felt a tingle of arousal.

“That can be arranged,” he murmured, mouth quirking up in a smirk. Jade let out a _filthy_ chuckle that nearly brought his dick to full attention but before he could go further Wally’s wolf whistle and Dick’s cackles snapped him out of it.

“Look, I gotta go. I need a shower or ten, plus Kid Idiot and Boy Stupid are here,” Roy grumbled and Jade laughed lightly.

“Glitter?” she asked.

“Glitter,” Roy said seriously, mouth in a line and glaring daggers at his friends, who each had a cup of coffee in their hands that neither had offered the man of the hour himself.

Roy cut the call to Jade’s snorts and then growled at the two idiots in his apartment to make him a cup of coffee while he scrubbed the glitter off his body.


End file.
